Perhaps Plastic Explosives?
C-C-C-CUH YEAH I DO COCAINE!
Perhaps Plastic Explosives?
C-C-C-CUH YEAH I DO COCAINE!
Perhaps Plastic Explosives?
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Perhaps Plastic Explosives?

Dedicated to all who contributed to one of Paul's favourite experiences. Thank you.
 
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Dr. J

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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 10:42 am

What I meant by "less quotation marks" was less dialog. Maybe it's just that I don't read a lot of books, but I think normally the book's descriptions and explanations usually outweigh the amount of dialog.

For example, here...
After several hours trekking through the forest surrounding the base, they stumble across a Russian two-man patrol.
... you could add at least a vague description of what the two Russians look like, and maybe even how they act.
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Stormleader

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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 10:51 am

I like dialog, lets you get to know the charaters more.
Plus, maybe in the books you read, but the books I read the is more dialog than descriptions.


Stormy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 11:56 am

Warriors and A Series of Unfortunate Events are the only books I read for my own entertainment. That last one has a lot of explanations.

But sure, you can keep the dialog if that's how you want it... It's your story, I guess.... Just not my kind. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 7:06 pm

I agree with Dr J., and I've read well over 100 books in the past two years. Smile
Descriptions are far more important than dialog, generally- try writing a short story with all mute characters or mimes or something. After that apply the description techniques to what you have here.

Otherwise, very nice! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 7:26 pm

Lolz....I think I've read about 100-300 books total in my whole life....I don't like reading much...
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Stormleader

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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed Sep 24, 2008 8:56 pm

Eh, I still like dialoge.


Stormy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 25, 2008 5:16 pm

Dialouge's good, yes, but it's not as important as decriptions. When reading books, I'd rather like to know what people are doing, not just what they're saying. Right now, your story looks more like a script rather than a novel or story...I've even seen some scripts that have more description that yours!
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 25, 2008 6:45 pm

I'm sticking with my "Old Pal Sorm's" thoughts about the dialogue , but it is good to have a descriptions.
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 25, 2008 8:32 pm

Chapter two has more descriptions, but has alot of dialoge too.
We'll see how that works, it should be done tomarow.


Stormy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 10:19 am

I'm sick, so I couldn't go to the Homeschool co-op today Sad
But, Chapter 2!!!

Chapter Two.


“Take a look at it.” Evan handed Stormya the binoculars.
They had gotten to the Russian base after sunrise; they had marched through the night, avoiding any more patrols.
Stormya whistled “Talk about big; It must be 5 miles long, at least another two miles wide. I’d guess about 1000 feet tall also. I wonder what they’re doing in there?”
The base was rectangular, it’s short end facing them, and all sorts of defenses surrounded it, from Mines to MGs, AT guns, AA guns, even a couple of light Mechs patrolling it.

She handed Evan back the binoculars, “I’m not sure, but that’s what we are here for.” Evan said.
“How do we get in?” Robo asked.
“Intel says that there are tunnels. I think we passed one of the exits about 1500 feet back but I wanted to get a look at the base first” Evan replied.
“Won’t the tunnels be mined?” Robo inquired.
“The tunnels were mostly secret; this used to be an old Military base, before the Russian’s had taken over, but none the less we’ll be searching for mines and other traps.” Evan replied.
A quarter of an hour later they were laying on their stomachs sticking their knifes in the ground in front of them looking for mines.
“I want a long vacation when I get back.”
“If, not when”
Rachel thought.
They had all known that this was a very risky mission when they had accepted it, but risky missions are what the SE did.
She had seen friends die all around her throughout the war. She had been places that even she didn’t know how she managed to stay alive.
And here she was, crawling along beside her brother, hoping not to get blown to pieces.
“Oh yes. I want a very long vacation”

*************************************************************
Hammer hated this part.
He hated having to wait, to wait while his squad mates, his friends, were out sneaking around and maybe even getting killed.
“But I guess that an 80 ton battle mech would be pretty hard to hide”
Hammer was the pilot of the SE107 “STAG” Assault ‘Mech, a walking battle tank, the STAG was the most powerful of the bunch, carrying the latest in Railguns.
Railguns use Electromagnets to accelerate projectile to hypersonic speeds, allowing it to penetrate heavy amour.
The STAG’s railgun could fire a wide range of projectiles, from Tungsten amour piercing rounds; to HE packed rounds, to even Nuclear rounds.
“I’ve never fired a nuke, I wonder how big of a ‘bang’ it makes?”
“I guess I hope to never find out
.”
************************************************************************

Ugh, this place was nasty.
Evan was leading the way through the tunnel, searching for mines in their path.
People had asked him why he still used his knife to search for mines, instead of a metal detector. Reason one was because it was one less thing he had to carry, reason number two was because he trusted himself more than a machine.
The tunnel was also filled with a completely disgusting looking and smelling black water; He didn’t even want to think what was in it.
Clunk
“Hold up” he orders.
Evan digs carefully; he uncovers a circular wooden thing, a mine. A mine that a metal detector wouldn’t have picked up.
“Aha, they did mine this tunnel.”
“What type of mine is it?” His sister asked.
“The type that blows up, if I had to make a guess.” He responded.
“Very funny.” His sister growled.
“I would guess that it’s a Anti-personal mine, and judging by the wires coming out of the back of it if we had set it off it would have set off the other mines in this tunnel. We will have to move more carefully now” Evan replied.
They moved on for a couple of hours inch by inch, they uncovered many more mines, some wooden some metal, the metal ones were bigger, in a rectangular shape, probably to bring the tunnel down if any mine was set off.
They finally made it to the exit where it was tall enough to stand up without smacking your head on the ceiling.
“Lets hope that they don’t have any security cameras in here.
"I don't see any." Stormya said.
"Neither do I, but they may be hidden." He replied.
Evan hacks into the terminal next to the big steel door. he is relieved to see that the is no cameras in the tunnel. He checks on the other side of the door where he sees three Russian guards. These three are very large, buff, and more than a bit dumb looking. Two of the three have AK-74's slung on their back, the third has some sort of a submachine gun at his hip.
“We need their uniforms, ours are covered with this black… Goo, for lack of a better term. I’ll take the one farthest from the door, Stormya, you take the one of the left, and Robo, take the one on the right, wait till I attack before you go after them”
“Got it.”
“Yes Sir.”
“Opening door in 3…2…1…”
The massive door open, to three very surprised Russian guards.
Before they could respond Evan said in Russian: “Comrades! There were 4 great beasts chasing us. We had to flee through the tunnel to get here”
Then the first guard a corporal, asked “What about the mines?”
”We avoided them”
“Why did you not use your radios to inform Command?” The second one asked. This one was only a private, and was smaller than the other two.”
“Um, because….” Evan drew his knife as he leaped toward the last one, this one also a private, but was easily the biggest of the three.
The Russian guard manage to block his knife attack, but he missed the boot to the shin entirely. That knocked the guard off his feet. Evan dived for his neck, but the guard knocked the knife out of his hand. Even though He smashed the guard’s nose in with his elbow the guard still got up, where Evan promptly shoved him into the wall, then put him into a chokehold.
The guard that his sister was fighting charged at his back with a knife, but Evan swung around at the last moment and the knife buried it’s self into the Russian guard, instead of Evan’s back. Stormya took that moment to stab the Russian in the neck with her own poison tipped dagger; Robo did the same with his guard.
Once Evan’s guard stopped struggling, they dragged their bodies into a storage room, where they switched cloths with the Russians.
Evan was surprised that the guard that he had strangled didn’t have any bloodstains on his uniform, until Evan took it off to find that he was wearing amour.

“Hmmm, that makes things harder if they are all wearing body amour. That means to get a decent hit on them we have to hit them in the head. Otherwise it might not penetrate, and even if it does it still won’t do much damage.” Evan advised.
“That means that there is something important here... The Russian never use body amour. It costs them more to make than to train a solider to replace the one that was killed.” Stormya added.
“We have to get going, they’re going to find out that they are missing some guards soon, plus we still need to find Fearless.” Evan ordered.
“After that Fearless and Robo will go to try to find out what they are working on here, Stormya and I will go after the General.”
“Lets do this”
************************************************************************
Hammer went over the SE107 once more.
“Minigun, Check.”
“Rockets, Check, Missiles, check.”
“Anti-Personal cannon, Check”

The order to launch was going to come soon, that is if it comes at all, Black team might not find anything in the base that was worth attacking, or they might.
“I’m betting on the second one”
Hammer was going to lead other SE Mechs into battle, 5 others, all in the same STAG chassis that he was in.
They would be dropped from dropships, they had single burn thrusters on their Mechs that would detach as soon as they landed, but would stop the Mechs from slamming into the ground enough for the trip to be survivable.
Their orders were to blast the base to pieces, and then an airborne unit would drop in to clear out anything that was left.
After they had blown the base up, they had to fight their way back to their own lines with no support at all.
“This is a suicide mission, there is no way that we are making it back. But if it’s worth sacrificing six of the most powerful vehicles that the US has then I guess that it really must be important.” ************************************************************************
“The Russian who had worn this uniform before me had hardly ever taken a shower, judging by the way it smells.” Robo said.
“Hey, I’m getting a transmission from Fearless, he says he’s still packed in the crate, he also says that the crate is in the Southwest warehouse.” Stormya relayed.
“I’ll go get him, good luck with the General.” Robo says, as he heads off to get Fearless.
“Looks like I’m still in the basement, the closest entrance to the SW ware house entrance is on the first floor.” He thought to himself.
On the way he passed many more guards, but thanks to his uniform, fake ID, and seamless Russian, he made it to the entrance without a problem, but when he tried to get into the warehouse, the guard at the door turned him away.
”But I have proper clearance, do I not?” Robo said angrily.
“Orders of General Paulski, no one without his permission is allowed in to the warehouse.” The tall Russian guard said. This one looked a lot smarter than the ones guarding the tunnel entrance.
Robo heard Fearless’s deep mechanical voice in his earpiece. “Keep him busy a while longer while I disable the camera from in here”
Robo sighed, then said to the guard “Ok, but just between you and I, I think this general is full of crap”
“Heh, I agree completely in fact, I….” The rest of what the guard said was lost to Robo, because Fearless informed him that the camera was down.
Robo looked down the corridor, but no one was coming.
He pulled his dagger and stabbed the guard in the neck; the guard started to cry out, but was dead before he could get any words formed.
“The guard is taken care of; you can come out now Fearless.”
The door opened, to not what looked like an assault droid, but instead to what looked like a cleaning droid. It was all Robo could do to not crack up upon seeing Fearless.
“Oooh, looks like you got demoted a little bit huh?” Robo gibed at Fearless.
“The mission planners thought that an elite assault droid might be a little… Attention attracting, so they made me look like a cleaner droid.” The droid responded dryly.
“I hadn’t noticed. Now let’s get this body hidden before someone stumbles across it.”
*************************************************************
“I hate guys who wear Speedos.”
The trip up to the roof had been uneventful, they passed through the checkpoints without a problem, and now they were prone on to top of AA gun emplacement, it was raised from the rest of the roof by about 20 feet, the perfect sniper vantage point.
That is, after you take out the gun crew, but the four of them hadn’t been a problem, they hadn’t heard them coming up the staircase from below, the two gunner hadn’t even heard when Evan and Rachel had slit the throats of the gun commander and spotter, and when they did finally realize that there was intruders, it was when their own throats where being slit.
“Really? I never knew.” Evan replied.
“Yes, and I swear if you ever wear one I’ll shoot you too.” Rachel said to her brother.
“Hehe, I’ll have to remember that.” Her brother said
The general had a pool on top of the base, or it was on top of it right now, it appeared to be able to lower incase of an attack.
They were about a mile away from the pool; she was amazed at how big the base was, even after being up here for ten minutes, she also as amazed that the general was sitting up here in the open, talk about over confidence.
“Can I shoot him yet?”
“Hmmm, I guess so, just be ready to run.” Her brother replied.
She was using a Barret .416, suppressed bolt-action bullpup sniper rifle; they would never even hear the shot that killed Paulski, the Great Speedo wearing Russian General.
She finds her natural point of aim, slows her breathing, and squeezes the trigger.
The gun goes off, she cycles the bolt just incase a follow-up shot is needed.
“Confirmed headshot, target eliminated. Now let’s get the heck out of here.” Her brother says, as he starts moving back towards the hatch that leads down into the base.
As they are descending the stairs that lead into the base, Robo radios in to confirm that he has picked Fearless up.
“I’ll meet you at sector 16A, sound good?” Robo asked.
Evan checked the map as they were running, 16A was about a mile away, but once there they could move on to the massive empty space in the middle, or his map said it was empty at least.
“Yeah, it’ll take about ten minutes though.” He replied.
“Works good for us, see you then.” Robo said, and then switched off the secure radio channel.
_____________________________________________________________



I think I like this one better than chapter one, thoughts?


Stormy


Last edited by Stormleader on Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:02 pm; edited 4 times in total
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SGT57

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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 12:44 pm

You referred to yourself as a 'She' and then a 'He' in the same sentence....

Shocked

Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers

Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 2:19 pm

Uh, no, I said that she (Rachel) handed him (Evan) back the binocs, and then He (Evan) said that that's what they were here for.
Close, but not quite Razz
But just incase that the rest of the forums are as stupid as you I edited it.
Wink
And arguably, He's based more off of you than he is based off of me.

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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 2:37 pm

Wait what now---?

Shocked

Stormy and Stormya are two different people!?

Shocked

Hey there, blue pers

“Take a look at it” Evan handed Stormya the binoculars.
They had gotten to the Russian base after sunrise; they had marched through the night, avoiding any more patrols.
Stormya whistled “Talk about big, It must be 5 miles long, at least another two miles wide, I’d guess about 1000 feet tall too, I wonder what they’re doing in there?”
The base was rectangular, it’s short end facing them, and all sorts of defenses surrounded it, from Mines to MGs, AT guns, AA guns, even a couple of light ‘Mechs patrolling it.

She handed Evan back the binoculars, “I’m not sure, but that’s what we are here for” Evan said.

Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers Hey there, blue pers
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 2:38 pm

There is no "Stormy" in this story, just "Stormleader" (Evan) And his sister, "Stormya" (Rachel)
Happy?
Razz


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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 2:49 pm

Wow, I just found out that I have about 15% of the posts here.
That means that I own roughly 1/6th of the forum!
Wink


Stormy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 3:29 pm

Wait---you have a sister!?

Hey there, blue pers
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Paul
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 4:03 pm

I think we need to hook some members up.

I call Tim's sister.
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 4:05 pm

*WOOP WOOP WOOP*
Prepare for long post. Spoiler tag'd for sanity. Contains much Grammar Nazi smackdowns which are not at all intended in an offensive way. Smile

Spoiler:

This installment is way better than the first one, great work man! Smile
The dialog/descriptions balance is much better this time. Very good.

I hope you don't mind me pointing out all that stuff, but your writing is 'really great' and I'd love to see it become 'amazing'! Very Happy Keep up the good work!
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 4:48 pm

Thank you SOOO much SV!
The grammer mistakes are fixed, any more comments\ideas?


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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 5:12 pm

Much better! Nice job! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 5:14 pm

Hey, you were the guy who pointed them out. Smile .
I know! You could be my editer, you would do what you do now, except you get an offical name tag. Wink
Paul could be the publisher. All he would have to do is give us money.
Wink


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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 5:34 pm

damn.
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 6:08 pm

Or he could make you pay him...not to wear his speedo Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri Sep 26, 2008 6:12 pm

Eh, I'd just have my sister shoot him.
Wink


Stormy
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PostSubject: Re: Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog   Stormleader's TOP SECRET Blog - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSat Sep 27, 2008 9:59 am

My parents have a Appleseed shoot today, but I can't go because I'm still sick Crying or Very sad .


Stormy
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